I’ll kill ur parents if u kill mine. <3<3<3

What the fuck it IS motherfuckers?  This be Monkey on the mothafuckin’ beatdown.  I recently got back from a road trip which took me to the far reaches of MTV.Com and the barren wastelands of a google search for the term ‘emo.’  The following is a diatribe of the things that I have witnessed…and (obviously) lived to tell…

Let’s start with the wealth of information on www.emo-corner.com.  They define ‘emo’ as such:

“When you are referring to someone has being emo, you are usually are stating that they are sensitive, or have a emotional personality. emo truely is a type of music that started in the eightys and is rapidly moving back in its popularity. It’s a sub genre of punk music which has grown to be more popular then punk it’s self. Each and every day more and more emo bands are coming out. However, emo most commonly is refered to as a type of fashion.” -emo-corner.com

After reading that third-grade rendition of a failed grammar test one can only assume that the author would most likely prefer to remain nameless.  I was going to let the cat out of the sack, but much to my chagrin the domain is protected against a simple ‘whois’ registrant search.

…and I think I know why…

Because there are INSTRUCTIONS on how to kill an EMO right on YOUTUBE!!  Just in case you think this is some kind of isolated video, fluke, or otherwise statistically insignificant phenomenon, I have also found this alternate method of emo-destruct-o:

Emo-killing.  Some might go so far as to call it a form of genocide.  Me?  I call it eugenics!  I mean, fuck ‘em if they want to die.  They’re not doing a DAMN bit of good for the rest of us moping around and wasting all that makeup.  Let Dr. Kevorkian usher in a new era of his short-lived career and be their Messiah.

Well fuck…maybe I’m being a little harsh on the little wrist-slashers…let’s check another source:

From Yahoo!Answers on “How to be emo:”

Question: “ok well im emo an my friend isnt but she wants 2 b cuz i am she like literally doesnt no how 2 b her own person an act how she truly is an how she truly feels she (not 2 sound self obsorbed) but wants 2 b lik me an b emo an how u can tell she isnt is b4 she met me she was preppy an stuff so anyways can u giv me ome tips on how emo ppl act dress pictures of emo haircuts and hairstyles places wear emo people shop in baltimore maryland an stuff on jus how 2 b emo i think this will realy show her that she isnt emo an make her go bac 2 the way she truly is wel at least i hope so kk thnx plzzzz giv answers kk plz an thnx”

Answer: “tell her to:
buy black skinny jeans
buy black band shirts
buy a studded belt
cut her hair like this: images?um=1&hl=en&q=emo+hair&btnG=Search+Images
and use lots of eyeliner
then if she’s not satisfied, tell her to go slit her wrists”

Well stated if you ask me.  The answer is well stated.  The question is fucking retarded and is proof that the gene-pool has been dirty for longer than just this generation.  You just don’t fuck it up like that without a good amount of FAS and negative attention.

I mean srsly…fa realz…did she just say “self OBSORBED”???

OMG.

WTF.

BBQ.

JFC.

CRY.CRY.CRY.

<3<3<3<3<3

Hey…isn’t this fucking devil’s basement thing about music?

YEAH.  IT IS.

Which brings me to my point:

Emo sucks.

Fuck you.

<3 Monkey.

The Basement Beatdown – Volume 1 – Brokencyde fucking sucks.

Hey there, it’s the devil here with a quick intro to what you’re about to witness…

Welcome to the first edition of the BASEMENT BEATDOWN hosted by the infamous MONKEY.  You may remember Monkey from the now legendary blog over at the devil’s myspace page. Re-introduce yourself if you must.

So what’s this little section of the Basement, you ask?  It’s our big elephant hunting ground.  We’re going to say all the things you wish you could, but don’t have the balls to, with the grand intention of ruining the career of some stupid shit-cocked kids who think bending over for a record label is the way to a successful career in music.

Now you know…so don’t say you don’t…

Now that the introductions are over…let the beatings begin…I’m going to hand this over to Monkey, have fun and enjoy the show…

-devil.

Hey there assholes!  My name is Monkey and I’m ready to BEAT SOMEONE’S FUCKING ASS.

We’re going to start this off right and I know just the band to get the Basement all bloody and broken.  It’s a little band from who-gives-a-fuck, USA and they call themselves Brokencyde.  That’s a lame-ass play on the term ‘Broke inside’ for all you neanderthals out there.  Let me introduce you to the fucking idiots:

Let’s start with that dick on the left.  He appears to be trying to drink a beer, but he’s not old enough to know how to open it.  Look closely, you’ll see.  Then there’s the dude holding that bottle of Patron.  Excuse me, sir, there’s nothing metal about being a cock-smoking deer hunter.  Next up we’ve got a pre-teen Eskimo named ‘Kik-Mi-Ass,’ which happens to be Inuit for ‘I never knew I could bend over this far.’  Finally, on the lower right, Miley Cyrus’ long lost aborted sister seems to have joined the band as well.

This is Brokencyde.  This is the worst band I’ve ever fucking heard in my entire life, which to this point has consisted of a long three and a half years.  I’m a baby monkey, I’m three and half, fuck you.  Anyway, these dicks claim to play music from a brand new genre called ‘Crunk-core.’  By the name alone if you can’t tell they’re gonna suck you need to point the gun at your face and pull the trigger.  So what’s ‘crunk-core’ you ask?  Well, it’s what happens when record labels can’t sell records, so they manufacture a band by taking rich teenagers and molding them into a mish-mash of the current ‘hot-selling’ genres.  Remember Linkin Park?  They were one of these bands…so were N’Sync, and in the interest of full-disclosure, the Sex Pistols were, too.  But the Sex Pistols get a free pass because they actually WERE punk as FUCK.

So someone put this band together?  Signs point to yes, as they sing a mix of Linkin Park and Soulja Boy, and they seemed to have chosen the worst parts of each to blend into a sonic shit-tornado of sound.  Don’t believe me?  Check out their myspace, I fucking DARE you.  You’ll find a few things of interest…like the fact that the acronym BC13 is plastered all over the page.

What’s BC13?  I wondered the same fucking thing, so I went out on the internet to find out.  I found out the ‘b’ stands for ‘broken,’ the ‘c’ stands for ‘cyde,’ and the ’13′ stands for ‘motherfucker.’

Wait…WHAT THE FUCK?   ‘Motherfucker’ only has TWELVE LETTERS.  I guess if you put a space in there it would technically be 13 characters.  I don’t know about you, motherfucker, but every time I use the word motherfucker I spell it with 12 keystrokes.  BC12 that, you fucking illiterate motherfucker.

Yeah, that’s them, too.  Not looking so fucking hardcore anymore, are they?  I mean, they’re not even posturing, they’re just straight up fucking POSING.  BC6: BrokencydePOSING.

So when the record labels want something to hit, they team up the shitbag youngsters with some has-been from a couple decades ago.  This time around we’ve got E-40 to deal with.  That’s right, hardcore gangsta rap mogul E-40 spits some shit on their track ‘Booty Call.’  Now I’m not one to say that E-40 wasn’t a master of his craft back in the day…no, I’m not saying that at all.  What I am saying is that this fucking band is the LAST band I’d choose to rekindle my silent career of the recent past.

I think if LL Cool J had to say anything about it he’d say, “Don’t call it a comeback!” and then he wouldn’t say shit-else.

Monkey said knock you out…